Today

has given me another reason why i shouldn't be where i am.

this is probably my exhausted heart talking

but perhaps...it's about time i listen to my heart.

{ joey is }

trying to get her life back. She is trying very hard to be an octopus except for the fact that she really doesn't want to be one at all. She is struggling to balance expectations...expectations... expectations. she is trying to be good at what she is doing but she feels torn and inadequate. she loves the young ones and hope she can spend more time with and be there for them. She miss her friends very much and is grateful for that piece of sanity from the bride-the only friend she has met up with two weeks ago at fosters. yes. the only friend she has met in the past two months... since the beginning of 2009. she is really sorry for missing out. she misses the herd. she misses the twin. she misses the one whom she promised to discuss Shanghai with. she misses the dg whom she can only meet in the third week of march. Because she leaves school at seven every evening and returns home to continue with the insanity, weekends to her are precious. she loves to spend time with her bible study mates on saturdays but sometimes those moments are lost when insanity knocks on the door. When she does get some time to breathe, all she really wants to do is breathe. and when she does get that little more, she would like to spend it with the boy. even then, the insanity persists...that lesson to plan, that essay to mark, that email to pen. when Anna, her daily inspiration, announces that she's taking a break, joey is sad that she will not be reading her posts for some time but is happy for her that she will be spending time with the most beautiful ones in her life. she remembers the promise she made to make time for all things beautiful. fresh new flowers every week. a rich book. a lovely song. a mesmerising film. a pretty dress. a breathtaking photo.

she is determined to claim her sanity {life} back. one flower. one book. one song. one film. one dress. one photo. one friend. at. a. time.

{ a note to self }

"Make up your mind to be happy even when you don't have money, even when you don't have a clear complexion, even when you don't have the Nobel Prize. Some of the happiest people i know have none of these things the world insists are necessary for satisfaction and joy. Why are they happy? I suppose it is because they don't listen very well. Or they listen too well-to the things their hearts tell them. They glory in the beauty of the earth. They glory in the rivers and the canyons and the call of the meadowlark. They glory in the love of their families, the stumbling steps of a toddler, the wise and tender smile of the elderly. They glory in honest labour. They glory in the scriptures. They glory in the presence of the Holy Ghost. One thing i know for certain: the time we have here goes by far too quickly. Don't waste any more time sitting on the bench watching life pass you by."

- Joseph B. Wirthlin (Lessons learned in the Journey of Life.)

the day went by with new experiences and the familiar ones... i got so involved with what's going on and so engrossed in the conversations surrounding the dinner table... so much so that it wasn't until i got home when i realised there was something ungodly about my role in the midst of all that... somehow i wish i could turn back time.... the heart is heavy.

remember to...

watch ONCE with the boy. drink lots of water. pen Barcelona posts. plan a surprise. shop for prezzies. capture last memories of this campus. play Michelle Featherstone & Heather Rigdon on that day. add Sleepless in Seattle. Scent of a Woman. Under the Tuscan Sun. Il Postino. Paris, je t'aime(soundtrack too). to the collection.

Fall in love.

overwhelmed with marking. frustrated at how slow it's progressing. happy on the other hand to start saving for the boy and the girl's nest. I'm yearning to go away. soon. Cambodia Dec 2008 maybe. London June 2008 is off. Israel/Jordan Dec 2009 is on. A long wait. For the sake of the nest, i shall wait. Oh yes, I want or rather i need more flats.

Clarity through the tears.

two things happened at work on thursday. one came in a letter. it left me feeling extremely encouraged and affirmed my calling as a teacher. the other left me emotionally drained. my first brush with work politics. a conversation with the boy after brought forth a torrent of emotions and i realised that it was a lesson i needed to learn from so that i can protect my heart in the future.

After putting down the phone, i was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude and tears for His timing and love. For only He knows how important it was for me to recieve that letter prior to the dreadful encounter and I know His hands are at work.

For even when i can't see His hands, I shall trust His heart.

I want to...

get my hands on Heather Rigdon's cd and play that song at my wedding... watch all the seasons of Gilmore girls and stuff myself silly with Ben & Jerrys.

"It should be magical. There should be music playing and romantic lighting and a subtle buildup to the popping of the big question. There should be a thousand yellow daisies and candles and a horse and I don't know what the horse is doing there unless you're riding it, which seems a little over the top, but it should be more than this."

- Lorelai in Gilmore girls

p.s: How cool is it to be able to bump into clydie at the contemporary dance appreciation series with 26 of my chinese dance girls in tow :) something tells me there's more of such surprises to come.